It's my mum's birthday today. She should have been 61, instead she is frozen in my memory at 42, the age she was when bronchopneumonia secondary to metastatic breast cancer stole her from us. She was diagnosed with cancer just a month after her 40th birthday, I was 20 and my brothers 17 and 16 respectively. We watched her undergo gruelling chemotherapy, cried with her when we learned her treatment was palliative, tried to become used to seeing her without hair, listened to her vomiting day after day in the bathroom, saw the cancer cruelly invade her bones. And finally we sat with her in that hospital cubicle as she ceased to recognise us and then thanks to the morphine drifted into a sleep that we watched over holding our breaths as we waited for her to take her last.
This November she will have been dead for 19 years, I have spent most of my adult life motherless. She knew I was engaged but missed my wedding, has never known her grand-daughters, hasn't grieved with me as I've mourned the death of aunts and uncles, my grandad and my brother (would my brother still be alive if she was?) She hasn't seen the woman I've become.
Yet she shaped me. We frequently disagreed and had she been alive I know we'd have engaged in some strong discussions. Our political views were different and I wonder what she would have made of my parenting. I suspect she may not have agreed with all my decisions and probably would have said as much, but she raised me to believe in my choices. I always knew I was unconditionally loved by her and my dad and between them they gave me the confidence and self-belief to be who I choose to be. And that's what being a parent is all about really isn't it? No matter how you choose to raise a child your ultimate aim is for that child to grow into an adult secure enough in your love and respect to make their own choices in life.
So it is that as I remember Mum I'm struck by the thought that Ralph Miliband's sons are adults raised in a loving family and given the self-belief to make decisions based on their own consciousness. The Daily Mail has been roundly and rightly criticised this week for its disgusting slur on a dead man based on a diary entry of a 17 year old. There can be no defence for this sort of gutter journalism. Ultimately though would it really have mattered if Ralph had hated Britain? Ed is not Ralph and whilst he may have been influenced by his father it's clear he's chosen a different political path. Are we all to be judged by the beliefs of our parents? We don't have to go back very far to a time when institutionalised racism and homophobia were commonplace. How many of our parents or grandparents would have supported equal marriage back in the 50s, 60s or 70s? How many casually referred to "going for a chinky", watched Love Thy Neighbour or referred to children with Down's Syndrome as mongols? We are not the same. Our parents made mistakes, we have learned from them. We should not be judged by their beliefs but by our own. Because despite their mistakes they gave us the confidence to make up our own minds.
So yes the Mail's lies are sickening and shame the free Press and I understand Ed's disgust and admire him for standing up to Dacre. Were the story true though would it have influenced my vote? Not a bit.
Showing posts with label Thoughts and musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts and musings. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Secondary school - 11 things you may not know
Connie started at her new secondary school on Tuesday. I had the usual lump in my throat at yet another milestone reached and she was nervous she'd become lost but she didn't and says she's happy there so far.
Having already gone through "the change" with Lorna (now in Y10 so starting GCSEs - aaargh!) I feel I can offer a few tips or words of advice to those of you who are new to secondary school life or will be waving your child off to bigger big school in the future.
1. You are unlikely to get to know many of the parents. Many children make their own way to school, those that are driven jump out of the car. At home time don't make the mistake of getting out of your car to wait for them. If you are not already embarrassing you soon will be. Don't hasten the inevitability.
2. You will not have much involvement in school life. There may be the odd performance if your child is so inclined, or the occasional awards ceremony but that's about it. At our school parents aren't invited to Sports Day and even if they were Lorna would die if I even thought of attending. Likewise carol services etc, even if parents are invited think very carefully about attending. Your little boy or girl who would look out hopefully for you at primary school is now more likely to be cringing because you turned a page a fraction more noisily or coughed quietly.
3. Your child's friends will begin to ignore you in the street. Not straight away but in time the child you've known since they were in nappies will avert their eyes when you pass. This becomes even more true if they are with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
4. Yes, boyfriends and girlfriends come on the scene. With luck it will be a while before your child is heartbroken. We've not experienced that yet, but it will probably happen. You may want to know all the details - who asked who out, do they hold hands, have they kissed yet? DO NOT ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS! Nothing causes a teen to clam up quicker. If they want to talk they will, let them know they can talk to you about anything then leave it up to them.
5. Listen when your child says they will not wear the expensive school coat because nobody else does. They really won't wear it, preferring to freeze than to make some terrible school fashion faux pas. And the coat will just hang uselessly in the wardrobe (ask me how I know this!)
6. Be realistic about alcohol. At some point your child is most likely going to drink it, acknowledge that and let them know you trust them to know the difference between being drunk and being dangerously drunk. It might not work but if you respect your child they are more likely to respect themselves.
7. You can lead a teen or pre-teen to fruit but you can't make them eat it - not at school at least. Be prepared for them to come home saying they had a cheese panini and a muffin for lunch. Fruit often seems to have mysteriously run out by the time they reach the front of the lunch queue.
8. Parents Evenings are a special kind of hell. Remember how they always ran late at primary school? This is so much worse! Your child now has different teachers so you will need to make separate appointments to see each of them. It may be that you rely on your child to make these appointments so don't be surprised if the first is at 3.45, the second at 5 and the third at 5.05. They will over-run and you will find yourself being "next in" to see the geography teacher 20 minutes later than booked knowing this will make you miss your appointment slot with the science teacher who will, according to Murphy's Law, be running on time. My main tip for Parents Evening would be to not try to see every teacher. If your child has no musical inclination for instance and says they're happy enough in music lessons then accept that. Trying to see every single subject teacher in one night is probably mission impossible and your child's class tutor should be able to help if you do have any concerns.
9. Homework becomes more frequent and there is more of it. Remind them but accept that if they don't do it then they will have to suffer the consequences. At primary you may have been able to go in and explain that you'd been away for the weekend and so they'd forgotten all about their maths sheet but not at secondary school.
10. Stock up on printing paper and ink. Seriously. So much homework involves printing something off, you'll go through tons of both.
11. Enjoy them growing up! Sure there will be arguments, slamming of doors, eye rolling etc but teenagers are clever, witty people. You will be amazed at how perceptive they can be and finding out things you have in common, a shared love of comedy shows for instance will be a real pleasure. They can be good company, I probably laugh more with Lorna than with anybody else.
Having already gone through "the change" with Lorna (now in Y10 so starting GCSEs - aaargh!) I feel I can offer a few tips or words of advice to those of you who are new to secondary school life or will be waving your child off to bigger big school in the future.
1. You are unlikely to get to know many of the parents. Many children make their own way to school, those that are driven jump out of the car. At home time don't make the mistake of getting out of your car to wait for them. If you are not already embarrassing you soon will be. Don't hasten the inevitability.
2. You will not have much involvement in school life. There may be the odd performance if your child is so inclined, or the occasional awards ceremony but that's about it. At our school parents aren't invited to Sports Day and even if they were Lorna would die if I even thought of attending. Likewise carol services etc, even if parents are invited think very carefully about attending. Your little boy or girl who would look out hopefully for you at primary school is now more likely to be cringing because you turned a page a fraction more noisily or coughed quietly.
3. Your child's friends will begin to ignore you in the street. Not straight away but in time the child you've known since they were in nappies will avert their eyes when you pass. This becomes even more true if they are with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
4. Yes, boyfriends and girlfriends come on the scene. With luck it will be a while before your child is heartbroken. We've not experienced that yet, but it will probably happen. You may want to know all the details - who asked who out, do they hold hands, have they kissed yet? DO NOT ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS! Nothing causes a teen to clam up quicker. If they want to talk they will, let them know they can talk to you about anything then leave it up to them.
5. Listen when your child says they will not wear the expensive school coat because nobody else does. They really won't wear it, preferring to freeze than to make some terrible school fashion faux pas. And the coat will just hang uselessly in the wardrobe (ask me how I know this!)
6. Be realistic about alcohol. At some point your child is most likely going to drink it, acknowledge that and let them know you trust them to know the difference between being drunk and being dangerously drunk. It might not work but if you respect your child they are more likely to respect themselves.
7. You can lead a teen or pre-teen to fruit but you can't make them eat it - not at school at least. Be prepared for them to come home saying they had a cheese panini and a muffin for lunch. Fruit often seems to have mysteriously run out by the time they reach the front of the lunch queue.
8. Parents Evenings are a special kind of hell. Remember how they always ran late at primary school? This is so much worse! Your child now has different teachers so you will need to make separate appointments to see each of them. It may be that you rely on your child to make these appointments so don't be surprised if the first is at 3.45, the second at 5 and the third at 5.05. They will over-run and you will find yourself being "next in" to see the geography teacher 20 minutes later than booked knowing this will make you miss your appointment slot with the science teacher who will, according to Murphy's Law, be running on time. My main tip for Parents Evening would be to not try to see every teacher. If your child has no musical inclination for instance and says they're happy enough in music lessons then accept that. Trying to see every single subject teacher in one night is probably mission impossible and your child's class tutor should be able to help if you do have any concerns.
9. Homework becomes more frequent and there is more of it. Remind them but accept that if they don't do it then they will have to suffer the consequences. At primary you may have been able to go in and explain that you'd been away for the weekend and so they'd forgotten all about their maths sheet but not at secondary school.
10. Stock up on printing paper and ink. Seriously. So much homework involves printing something off, you'll go through tons of both.
11. Enjoy them growing up! Sure there will be arguments, slamming of doors, eye rolling etc but teenagers are clever, witty people. You will be amazed at how perceptive they can be and finding out things you have in common, a shared love of comedy shows for instance will be a real pleasure. They can be good company, I probably laugh more with Lorna than with anybody else.
Secondary school - 11 things you may not know
Connie started at her new secondary school on Tuesday. I had the usual lump in my throat at yet another milestone reached and she was nervous she'd become lost but she didn't and says she's happy there so far.
Having already gone through "the change" with Lorna (now in Y10 so starting GCSEs - aaargh!) I feel I can offer a few tips or words of advice to those of you who are new to secondary school life or will be waving your child off to bigger big school in the future.
1. You are unlikely to get to know many of the parents. Many children make their own way to school, those that are driven jump out of the car. At home time don't make the mistake of getting out of your car to wait for them. If you are not already embarrassing you soon will be. Don't hasten the inevitability.
2. You will not have much involvement in school life. There may be the odd performance if your child is so inclined, or the occasional awards ceremony but that's about it. At our school parents aren't invited to Sports Day and even if they were Lorna would die if I even thought of attending. Likewise carol services etc, even if parents are invited think very carefully about attending. Your little boy or girl who would look out hopefully for you at primary school is now more likely to be cringing because you turned a page a fraction more noisily or coughed quietly.
3. Your child's friends will begin to ignore you in the street. Not straight away but in time the child you've known since they were in nappies will avert their eyes when you pass. This becomes even more true if they are with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
4. Yes, boyfriends and girlfriends come on the scene. With luck it will be a while before your child is heartbroken. We've not experienced that yet, but it will probably happen. You may want to know all the details - who asked who out, do they hold hands, have they kissed yet? DO NOT ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS! Nothing causes a teen to clam up quicker. If they want to talk they will, let them know they can talk to you about anything then leave it up to them.
5. Listen when your child says they will not wear the expensive school coat because nobody else does. They really won't wear it, preferring to freeze than to make some terrible school fashion faux pas. And the coat will just hang uselessly in the wardrobe (ask me how I know this!)
6. Be realistic about alcohol. At some point your child is most likely going to drink it, acknowledge that and let them know you trust them to know the difference between being drunk and being dangerously drunk. It might not work but if you respect your child they are more likely to respect themselves.
7. You can lead a teen or pre-teen to fruit but you can't make them eat it - not at school at least. Be prepared for them to come home saying they had a cheese panini and a muffin for lunch. Fruit often seems to have mysteriously run out by the time they reach the front of the lunch queue.
8. Parents Evenings are a special kind of hell. Remember how they always ran late at primary school? This is so much worse! Your child now has different teachers so you will need to make separate appointments to see each of them. It may be that you rely on your child to make these appointments so don't be surprised if the first is at 3.45, the second at 5 and the third at 5.05. They will over-run and you will find yourself being "next in" to see the geography teacher 20 minutes later than booked knowing this will make you miss your appointment slot with the science teacher who will, according to Murphy's Law, be running on time. My main tip for Parents Evening would be to not try to see every teacher. If your child has no musical inclination for instance and says they're happy enough in music lessons then accept that. Trying to see every single subject teacher in one night is probably mission impossible and your child's class tutor should be able to help if you do have any concerns.
9. Homework becomes more frequent and there is more of it. Remind them but accept that if they don't do it then they will have to suffer the consequences. At primary you may have been able to go in and explain that you'd been away for the weekend and so they'd forgotten all about their maths sheet but not at secondary school.
10. Stock up on printing paper and ink. Seriously. So much homework involves printing something off, you'll go through tons of both.
11. Enjoy them growing up! Sure there will be arguments, slamming of doors, eye rolling etc but teenagers are clever, witty people. You will be amazed at how perceptive they can be and finding out things you have in common, a shared love of comedy shows for instance will be a real pleasure. They can be good company, I probably laugh more with Lorna than with anybody else.
Having already gone through "the change" with Lorna (now in Y10 so starting GCSEs - aaargh!) I feel I can offer a few tips or words of advice to those of you who are new to secondary school life or will be waving your child off to bigger big school in the future.
1. You are unlikely to get to know many of the parents. Many children make their own way to school, those that are driven jump out of the car. At home time don't make the mistake of getting out of your car to wait for them. If you are not already embarrassing you soon will be. Don't hasten the inevitability.
2. You will not have much involvement in school life. There may be the odd performance if your child is so inclined, or the occasional awards ceremony but that's about it. At our school parents aren't invited to Sports Day and even if they were Lorna would die if I even thought of attending. Likewise carol services etc, even if parents are invited think very carefully about attending. Your little boy or girl who would look out hopefully for you at primary school is now more likely to be cringing because you turned a page a fraction more noisily or coughed quietly.
3. Your child's friends will begin to ignore you in the street. Not straight away but in time the child you've known since they were in nappies will avert their eyes when you pass. This becomes even more true if they are with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
4. Yes, boyfriends and girlfriends come on the scene. With luck it will be a while before your child is heartbroken. We've not experienced that yet, but it will probably happen. You may want to know all the details - who asked who out, do they hold hands, have they kissed yet? DO NOT ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS! Nothing causes a teen to clam up quicker. If they want to talk they will, let them know they can talk to you about anything then leave it up to them.
5. Listen when your child says they will not wear the expensive school coat because nobody else does. They really won't wear it, preferring to freeze than to make some terrible school fashion faux pas. And the coat will just hang uselessly in the wardrobe (ask me how I know this!)
6. Be realistic about alcohol. At some point your child is most likely going to drink it, acknowledge that and let them know you trust them to know the difference between being drunk and being dangerously drunk. It might not work but if you respect your child they are more likely to respect themselves.
7. You can lead a teen or pre-teen to fruit but you can't make them eat it - not at school at least. Be prepared for them to come home saying they had a cheese panini and a muffin for lunch. Fruit often seems to have mysteriously run out by the time they reach the front of the lunch queue.
8. Parents Evenings are a special kind of hell. Remember how they always ran late at primary school? This is so much worse! Your child now has different teachers so you will need to make separate appointments to see each of them. It may be that you rely on your child to make these appointments so don't be surprised if the first is at 3.45, the second at 5 and the third at 5.05. They will over-run and you will find yourself being "next in" to see the geography teacher 20 minutes later than booked knowing this will make you miss your appointment slot with the science teacher who will, according to Murphy's Law, be running on time. My main tip for Parents Evening would be to not try to see every teacher. If your child has no musical inclination for instance and says they're happy enough in music lessons then accept that. Trying to see every single subject teacher in one night is probably mission impossible and your child's class tutor should be able to help if you do have any concerns.
9. Homework becomes more frequent and there is more of it. Remind them but accept that if they don't do it then they will have to suffer the consequences. At primary you may have been able to go in and explain that you'd been away for the weekend and so they'd forgotten all about their maths sheet but not at secondary school.
10. Stock up on printing paper and ink. Seriously. So much homework involves printing something off, you'll go through tons of both.
11. Enjoy them growing up! Sure there will be arguments, slamming of doors, eye rolling etc but teenagers are clever, witty people. You will be amazed at how perceptive they can be and finding out things you have in common, a shared love of comedy shows for instance will be a real pleasure. They can be good company, I probably laugh more with Lorna than with anybody else.
Monday, 20 May 2013
Why equal marriage should affect us all
I'm going to start today's post by saying that I am straight and married. It doesn't really matter but I suppose you could say that those opposed to equal marriage think it is children like mine who need protecting.
They don't speak for me though; my children know that some people are gay because, well, why shouldn't they? I can think of no logical reason for them not to know that two women or two men can love each other as much as a man and a woman. My 5 year old has seen gay kissing on TV because I don't feel I need censor it any more that heterosexual kissing. I don't remember if she reacted, quite possibly it was just with a soppy "awww" because she likes to see people in love.
I've seen a few comments today from people in favour of equal marriage saying that if the Bill passes it won't make any difference to those of us who have been able to choose whether or not we get married. I think in time that will be true but right now I disagree. It will make a difference because it will mean that when I tell my children that all people are equal, the law (in this country at least) will reflect that. I want them to grow up in a country where adults have the right to choose whether or not they marry regardless of their sexuality. I tell my daughters that when they grow up they can marry a man or a woman. I want that to be true.
Other people's choices don't affect us, but the difference between living in a country that allows or prohibits equality should concern us all.
They don't speak for me though; my children know that some people are gay because, well, why shouldn't they? I can think of no logical reason for them not to know that two women or two men can love each other as much as a man and a woman. My 5 year old has seen gay kissing on TV because I don't feel I need censor it any more that heterosexual kissing. I don't remember if she reacted, quite possibly it was just with a soppy "awww" because she likes to see people in love.
I've seen a few comments today from people in favour of equal marriage saying that if the Bill passes it won't make any difference to those of us who have been able to choose whether or not we get married. I think in time that will be true but right now I disagree. It will make a difference because it will mean that when I tell my children that all people are equal, the law (in this country at least) will reflect that. I want them to grow up in a country where adults have the right to choose whether or not they marry regardless of their sexuality. I tell my daughters that when they grow up they can marry a man or a woman. I want that to be true.
Other people's choices don't affect us, but the difference between living in a country that allows or prohibits equality should concern us all.
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